Sometimes you don't know what you want until you lose it

There's an episode of "Friends" in the second half of the series, at Monica and Chandler's wedding, where Rachel thinks she's pregnant but can't bear to find out one way or another because she's not sure if it's something she wants. Phoebe picks up the pregnancy test, and tells her that it's negative. As Rachel comes to grips with it, she realizes that she's grieving something she never had in the first place - until Phoebe tells her that she lied and it's positive. "Now you know how you really feel about it!"

Last summer, Shally tested positive for a child for the first time. At the time, it was more of a pleasant surprise - we had talked about having children, but considering the stories we'd heard from other couples that had taken years to conceive, we didn't think that we'd be able to conceive so soon. While we were excited, I'd confess that on my part at least, there was a little bit of rote-ness in the whole process. In a sense, I felt like it was time for me to become a father, but I didn't necessarily want to become a father - instead, it was just the right time for the next step.

Three weeks after the positive test, we lost the baby to a miscarriage.

It was surprising how much we were crushed emotionally by this.  Even though Beebee - our codename for the child - was only a brief presence in our lives for such a short period of time, it did feel like a death in the family as we grieved.  To be sure, our season of grief and healing was correspondingly shorter than if it was a loved one we had known for a much longer time, but it was no less intense.  We're thankful for the support of the family and friends who prayed for and supported us in that season.

Now that we are entering the third trimester of our current pregnancy (codename: Junior), I realized that if Beebee had managed to stick, we would be hitting our due date around this time.  A few reflections...

1) Most significantly, losing the first pregnancy hammered home the fact that I really do want to become a father.  There's no more feeling of "it's about the right time" - I'm simultaneously thrilled and terrified.

2) There have been few instances where I've felt more helpless and not in control than when the miscarriage was progressing over a day.  We wrestled with anxiety and denial while trying to pray and hope for a miracle that didn't happen.  There was absolutely nothing that we could do.  It has been a continuing test of faith to learn how to trust in God for things that we have no control over.  Interestingly, it has also afforded the opportunity to identify with and encourage some friends in their own situations of helplessness.

3) We are much more appreciative and fully aware of how fortunate we are that it was not difficult for us to conceive again.  We both have several friends and family who had/have tried for years to have children and have been continually frustrated.  Our heart and prayers go out to them.

4) Finally, we understand a little bit more about how a miscarriage can affect prospective parents.  A few years ago, we heard from some friends that they were experiencing one, and it was difficult to empathize at the time.  It is so helpful to have the support of a community in grief and healing, and one reason I wanted to write this in a public space is in the hope that anyone who has to go through the unfortunate experience of a miscarriage - either their own or a loved one's - would know that we can try to help.

There's a daily joy and anticipation that we experience looking forward to Junior's arrival, and for the most part we don't think too often about Beebee anymore.  But she (we arbitrarily decided that she was a she) is part of our lives now, and we do want to remember and mourn her regularly.

2011 NBA Pre-Playoffs Comments

As an early birthday present this year, my wonderful wife is getting us cable TV for the next few months so we (okay, mostly I) can watch the NBA playoffs.  How awesome is she?

And an awesome playoffs these look like they'll be.  After a vastly entertaining regular season with the Decision, Blake Griffin, Derrick Rose and Russell Westbrook taking the next step, the Spurs coming back from the old folks' home, tons of player movement at the trade deadline, and several legit contenders getting on track, I'm really looking forward to the next few rounds of hoops before Junior Lin comes along for his own basketball indoctrination.

Most other people are making their picks NCAA tournament-style for the playoffs, but I'm just going to rank my rooting interests, along with reasons why.  The top few are teams I'll enjoy rooting for on some level, and the last few teams I'll actively be rooting against.

1) Spurs - I just realized I've been a Spurs fan for over 20 years, since David Robinson joined the team in 1989.  I know that they've already got 4 titles, but against all odds I'd like to see Duncan get that 5th against the toughest competition of his postseason career, matching Kobe and putting him firmly in the top 10 players of all time (he's probably borderline right now).

2) Thunder - A byproduct of being a Spurs fan is a soft spot for small market teams who build organizations and teams "the right way", and Spurs alum Sam Presti smartly did that with OKC (albeit with a ton of luck tossed in).  I'm honestly not a huge fan of Westbrook (shoot-first PGs tend to remind me, in a bad way, of the Marbury-Francis-Iverson days of the early 00's) but Durant and the Ibaka-Perkins front line are fun to watch.  As the Spurs further decline, I'll probably pick up OKC as a regular rooting interest over the next decade (since the Warriors aren't going anywhere) to see what they do against Miami and Chicago.

3) and 4) Magic/Mavericks - If my top two can't take it all, I'd like to see some players that I respect win it.  Dallas has Dirk and Kidd, and Orlando will probably lose Dwight Howard in a few years unless they pull off a miracle before he hits free agency.

5) Hornets - Similarly, I'd rather see CP3 stay and build a contender in Louisiana rather than taking his talents elsewhere.  Probably not going to happen this season and a longshot for it to ever happen.

6) Nuggets - A team spurned by its star and with a coach who survived cancer.  How can you not root for an underdog like that?  Not a fan of K-Mart and Birdman though.

7) Blazers - Franchise was hit by horrendously bad luck (Oden, Roy)... would like to see something good happen for them.

8) Bulls - Good young team that plays defense.  I dislike most of the other teams in the Eastern Conference, so I'll often be rooting for Chicago by default.  One reason they aren't higher on this list is because they already have 6 titles.

9) to 13) Everyone else - Don't really care about the other teams that much...

14) Heat - Humility is an important quality to learn.  Really don't want to see them validate their pre-season championship party without going through some failure first.

15) and 16) Lakers and Celtics - Both organizations have n-teen titles and appeal to me as a basketball nerd, but not as a fan.  I'll be honest, I'll root against the Lakers primarily because I'm envious (why can't the Warriors build a team like that?) and I'll root against the Celtics because they have quite a few jerks.