9 parenting thoughts at 9 months (part 1)

Nine months ago this past Sunday, S and I welcomed our little ball of joy (and frustration, and kookiness) into the world and had our lives turned upside down.  Haven't done much musing since 3 months, so here's a list of 9 thoughts on the experience so far (give or take a few memories):

1) They say that with parenting, the days are long and the weeks are short.  As I write this, it is hard to believe that we're 3/4 of the way through his first year.  Yet, there were seemingly countless occasions when he's crying his head off, it's way too early/late, we have no idea what's wrong, and the seconds were crawling by interminably.  To paraphrase Einstein's famous quote, play with a happy baby for an hour and it seems like a minute, hold a wailing baby for a minute and it seems like an hour.  That's relativity.

2) In C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters, for those who haven't read it, the premise is that of a veteran devil mentoring a novice devil on how to best trip up, lead astray, and ultimately bring misery to his assigned human.  It's been a while since I read it so I don't remember if this was one of his pieces of "advice", but it is really easy to be tormented by the comparison demon as a parent.  You look at other babies and parents on Facebook or in person, and even though your brain might know that other parents are just putting their best face forward, you almost reflexively compare developmental milestones, eating/sleeping habits, overall health, and inevitably find your own baby (and by proxy your own parenting) lacking in some way.  S and I have had to learn how to encourage each other and guard our thought lives when one or the other of us begins spiraling into irrational envy.

3) Speaking of which, I'm so glad that we're in this parenting thing together in a committed marriage.  The tough times can be so tough that it wears away at your reserves of good nature and grace, which makes it a lot easier to succumb to bickering and fights with each other over even minor things.  We're gradually learning how and when to bring up issues (best not to do after D has been screaming all day) and how to ask and grant forgiveness.

Tim Keller likes to explain the stresses of marriage by using the analogy of a train going over a suspension bridge - the weight of the train reveals any cracks or structural weaknesses in the bridge.  Similarly, getting married and living together reveals the cracks and structural weaknesses in our relationship.  If that's the case, having a baby is like a train going over that bridge while being bombarded with a rockslide and lava from a nearby erupting volcano.  For couples who don't have kids yet - dealing with as many issues as you can before having kids is a wise thing to do.

4) S went away for a weekend with friends at the end of February, so I had D to myself that weekend.  It wasn't too difficult because my parents live nearby and love spending time with him, so I mostly had to handle him nights and mornings.  It did get me thinking, though.

Much respect to the many, many single parents out there who are doing the best they can on their own, because they love their children.  There aren't too many single parents in my social circles, but from stories I've read - for example athletes who grew up poor - many (most?) of them grew up with just 1 parent in the home who sacrificed a lot to make ends meet.  The lucky ones might have a grandparent in the home too.

Given that, it's easy to see how difficult it would be to help your children escape the cycle of poverty from poor, single parent households.  If the parent is out working odd jobs to put food on the table, it probably wouldn't take much for the kid to get involved with the wrong crowd or the wrong scene.

I like to ask D, semi-jokingly but mostly seriously, whether he appreciates how fortunate he is to have both a mom and dad at home.  Again, much respect to the moms or dads who are doing it on their own.

5) They say babies love music.  Babies love repetition.  Therefore, many of his toys repetitively play baby music that is just catchy enough to get stuck in your head the rest of the day, and just juvenile enough to drive me crazy.  For those of you who tend to get music stuck in your head - hope you'll like singing "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" all day without even knowing it.

This is getting long, so I'll break the second half up into its own post.

10 years ago...

10 years ago today I was perhaps a bit more shocked than the average West Coaster upon seeing the footage of planes flying into NYC and the Pentagon.

The previous summer (2000) I had spent 3 months in NYC on missions with the "Summer in the City" program, living in Queens and partnering with 60+ students from around the country to volunteer at various churches, halfway houses, homeless shelters, and food banks in all the different boroughs.  3 months is a pretty good amount of time for an outsider to feel a bit of a connection to the city - you start to understand the subway system, know where the good local places are to eat, and you gain an appreciation for the diversity of the people, from the well-to-do yet constantly pressured to perform, to the down-and-out in the cycle of poverty.

Since I still felt connected to the city in some ways the year after, I was really hit emotionally the day after the attacks when watching the news and seeing footage from the cameras roaming the streets.  Families mourning the loss of loved ones, neighbors of all walks, religions, and races congregating on street corners to wail, grieve and comfort, and I mourned along with them.  When one camera crew picked up on a street corner fellowship led by a small group of black women singing "Amazing Grace," I broke down in front of the TV for a while.

One day I'll need to teach my son about the impact of 9/11.  I'm not exactly sure yet what I'll say.

2 month memories and reflections

Happy 2 month birthday to our little hobbit!  A quick update on how we're all doing and things we want to remember...

• After a lot of hard work, practice, tears, and pumping/feeding, we were able to successfully begin breastfeeding exclusively a little after the 1 month birthday.  We did run into some complications when we tried to introduce the bottle and it totally screwed up his eating for about a week, which caused a painful blister that Shally needed to heal from, but we're now in a pretty good rhythm.  We're hoping that as he gets bigger and more practiced he won't take quite as long - he takes after his old man in that he can be a glacially slow eater sometimes.  We hope to eventually retry the bottle now that he's more practiced.
• Sleeping is a bit more erratic with breastfeeding since we don't know how much he eats per feed (like when we were finger feeding).  Most nights he wakes up 1-2 times, sleeping 3-5 hours at a time.  During the days he can have some loopy days where he doesn't sleep at all, and then days like today where he's conked out the whole day.  He's also been somewhat fussy the last 2 weeks, not wanting to be put down/left alone in a playpen or chair for more than 15 minutes at a time, which takes up a lot of Shally's sanity.  We'll likely begin doing some sleep training this month, and might move him into his own room in a few weeks.
• A bit over 22 inches and over 11.5 pounds now.  Everyone tells us to treasure him when he's small, and we're already sometimes missing when he was small enough to fit on 1 forearm.  But with the eating, he's been chubbing up nicely, with at least 2 chins and extra folds appearing everywhere on his arms and legs.  Plus people like to comment on the size of his belly, like a tiny Buddha statue.  He also seems to have pretty strong legs and neck already - he likes to be held in a standing position, braced gently around his armpits, so he can take a look around.
• Once he got big enough, we began doing cloth diapers!  We use them at home during our waking hours - when we go out and during night times, we still use disposable because of the convenience and extra absorption factor.  Cloth has actually worked out pretty well - we've gotten the clean/dry cycle down and let the sun take care of any stains.  We did notice that he seems to react more sensitively to wetness in the cloth diapers, so we're hoping that it'll help him potty train when the time comes.
• Personality-wise, thus far, he hasn't been that interested in toys, books, and the like, although he's starting to gain some affinity for the mobile.  He is fascinated by people though.  When we're around or when his grandparents are around, he's constantly watching, observing, and occasionally interacting with us.  When we bring him out in public, he loves people watching - he was entranced by Valley Fair mall.
• In addition, his temperament is rather mercurial - he can go from completely chill and content to screaming loudly in 0.03 seconds.  He doesn't have a medium volume level.  However, he's usually a good-natured baby who only cries for a reason that we have to try to figure out.
• One recent development is that he's begun cooing, most often after a diaper change or his daily bath, perhaps when he's most relaxed.  It's freakin' adorable. We end up cooing right back, and we end up having a "conversation" for a while.  We want to try and record this so that we can look back on it in the future, but we get so caught up that we totally forget to grab the camera.
• After a month and a half of invaluable help, Shally's mom left last week.  We're really grateful for how she eased our transition into parenting life, and Shally's now trying to get used to the isolation of caring for him at home without another adult to talk to while I'm at work. It's true that there's the potential for IM, email, and Facebook to feel somewhat plugged into other people's lives, but it's not quite a substitute for adult conversation.  
• Shally will be bringing D to the BSF young mothers group starting in the upcoming quarter, so that'll be a good chance for him to get out of the house and for her to meet up with some other similar-life-stage folks.  Spiritually, because we've been on his schedule it's been a bit difficult to make time for fellowship and we've been feeling a bit dry in that area, so we're hoping that as he gets older and more able to handle outings that we'll be able to reintegrate into community.
• For me, work has been extremely busy since I joined a new team just before Duncan was born.  There's a lot to learn and a lot to get done, and at the end of each day I get to look forward to coming home to wife and son.  There has been the occasional funk day here and there when my energy level and spirits are drained by the combo of work work and home work, but overall things are pretty great.
• With feeding times, we have been watching quite a bit on Netflix as Duncan eats away.  Some recent and current shows:
• Battlestar Galactica (just started)
• Parks and Rec (just started, any fans out there?)
• Castle - we're big Nathan Fillion fans since his Firefly days, Shally is a fan of CSI-type shows, and this one doesn't have as much of the gruesomeness that turns me off of most CSI-type shows, so it's a nice fit for both of us
• Bizarre Foods
• Man v. Food
• 30 Rock (finished up through season 4)
• On our own time, Shally's also been watching Lie to Me, and finished Bones.  I've been revisiting my childhood with cartoons I loved when I was a lot younger - the X-Men animated series, and Robotech.

That's probably enough for now.  It's a lot of work being parents, but as he begins to move, interact, vocalize, and generally act more like a little person (who's awfully cute), it's making it worth it.

Three-week Newbie Parents FAQ

We've survived the first 3 weeks!  We're super thankful for the help we've received from family in the area, particularly S's mom, who's been living with us since little D's birth.  It really does take a village to raise a child.  We've also been encouraged by the visits, emails, phone calls, and gifts from friends at the hospital and at home.  In lieu of the lack of sleep we're experiencing, here's an FAQ update on how things are going, what's happened the first three weeks of our dear son's life, and how our lives are changing, based on the most frequent questions we've been getting.  I originally intended this to be a short update in the first week, but it ended up being rather long and covering the last 3 weeks.

Labor and Birth

1. 38 hours?!
1. Yup, Shally slogged through 38 hours of contractions before finally giving birth to little Duncan. 
2. The contractions started around 4:30 am early Thursday, 7/7,  and slowly progressed during the day to 4-1-1 (4 minutes apart, lasting 1 minute each, for 1 hour) at about 7 pm, at which point we went to the hospital and found out she hadn't even begun dilating yet.  This was rather despairing because we weren't sure whether the length of the labor would take too much out of Shally to do the natural birth that we had planned.  Being at the hospital was kind of stressful, so after a few more hours we drove back home to try and get some rest.  (This short and unproductive stay ended up costing quite a bit of money anyway).
3. Shally still didn't get any sleep that night, but compared to the previous day when we were trying all the tricks we knew to help progress the contractions (bouncing on an exercise ball, walking, etc.), this time we just relaxed and listened to music.  By the next morning's checkup, to our surprise she was already at 4 cm without our doing anything!  Lesson learned - don't try so hard, the body can tell when you're stressed.  We went straight to the hospital, dealt with the hardest parts of labor without getting an epidural, and welcomed Duncan into our arms in the evening.  By the end, Shally was so ready for it to be all over that when it came time to finally push (which takes, on average, 45 minutes to 2 hours), she got him out in 13 minutes - an unofficial record for the hospital, according to the awesome nursing staff.
2. What was the most memorable part of the labor/birth experience?
1. Well, we won't forget about 38 hours, that's for sure.  But seeing our son being born increased my admiration for and amazement at Shally's toughness and perseverance.  Plus, the first time he opened his eyes, looked at us, and grabbed my finger - that's probably my favorite memory.
3. How'd you get the name?
1. Probably doesn't take a genius to look at our little guy's name and connect the dots to my favorite NBA player of the last 15 years, Tim Duncan of the San Antonio Spurs.  However, it was actually Shally who first proposed it as the name.  We were bouncing names off each other by naming off important/influential people from our histories - people we knew, authors, fictional characters (she shot down Aragorn pretty quickly), activists, and the like, and when I started throwing out my favorite athletes, we landed on Duncan as a name we both liked that had personal meaning for me.  An awesome leader, teammate, competitor, and classy guy, he has a pretty good namesake to live up to.
2. That wasn't the only Spurs-related story related to our son, though.  A while ago I explained the team's "pounding the rock" mantra to her and ended up quoting the phrase several times during labor when encouraging her to keep her spirits up - that even when it seemed like nothing productive was happening during the contractions, each one was in fact helping to move him out. 

Home/Family(!) Life

1. What have you learned about Duncan so far?
1. He can be a handful at times, but we love him.
2. He's a great sleeper.  He's already sleeping up to 4-4.5 hours at a stretch, and we've had one night where he's only woken up once.  It seems that he's still been gaining weight at a pretty good rate, so we're not too worried yet about a lower frequency of feeding.
3. On the minus side, when we were trying to wake him up every 3 hours or less to feed, his stubborn desire to continue sleeping sometimes caused us to get frustrated.  We'd try everything - tickling, changing diapers, wet washcloth, even an ice pack - and he'd cry for a bit and then go comatose again.  Strong-willed little fella.
4. He's starting to learn to breastfeed a little bit, but it will still be a while before he can get the majority of his food directly from Mom.  He can also be rather impatient when trying anything and will start to lose his temper when things take too long - getting milk ready, diaper changes, etc.  This has also been a source of frustration at times but we keep reminding ourselves that every child develops differently, and we're already lucky that he sleeps well and had no problems with jaundice or some other common newborn maladies.
5. He's gaining weight at a pretty good rate - in one stretch gained over a pound in 8 days.  Shally wants him cute and chubby and he seems like he wants to oblige.
6. He has really strong lungs and vocal cords.  He can cry pretty loudly - he caused quite a bit of emotional distress to his grandma until we reassured her that it was perfectly normal.
7. During the times when he's really fussy, he has a characteristic way of screaming for a few minutes and then going completely limp.  It makes us question whether the adage that "you can't spoil a newborn" is really accurate, because if it was an older child that was doing that, it would really look like a temper tantrum, and we're tempted to discipline rather than to coddle and soothe.  Still working out the best way to handle things.
2. How have things been going so far?
1. First week: very tough getting used to the grind.
1. We were pretty well prepared for labor and delivery - we took a Bradley course, did research, and knew what to expect.  What we probably should have done was take a course in what to expect after we got home.  As it was, when we got home we ended up needing to reconfigure the house in order to handle the daily routines since we didn't anticipate them beforehand.
2. Biggest lesson: make sure that multiple people know where things are (clothes, diapers and accessories, etc.) so that when one person is resting, the others aren't frantically searching for something while the baby wails in the background.
3. We're trying to breastfeed and it's been quite the ongoing challenge.  As it turns out, his first few attempts looked like feeding but he wasn't in fact getting anything, so the poor little guy ended up starving for the first 3 days of his life until we met with a lactation consultant (a good one is definitely worth the money, taking a breastfeeding class before the birth doesn't really help at all) who told us that until he got bigger, we'd need to pump and feed via syringe and feeding tube.
4. One bright side of the manual feeding is that I've had the chance to participate.  Feeling my son suck sustenance from the tube off my finger has helped remind me tangibly that I have a responsibility to provide feed to this guy for quite a while.
5. While you hear about the lack of sleep involved with parenting, I don't think it really hits you until your first few days when you're lucky if you can get 2-3 hours cumulative over a 24 hr period.  I distinctly remember being woken up from one nap and doubling over in a haze, not being able to move for a few minutes.  I suspect it might be something like what I hear medical school is like - going long periods of time without sleep and then trying to do/remember complex things.
6. Had some recurrence of RSI in my wrists and forearms, last experienced during my startup days.  Fortunately, some massage and strength training has helped reduce that.  We've been learning basic physical forms like keeping our backs/wrists straight and shoulders relaxed to prevent muscle pains.  You need to be quite fit/flexible to be able to do all the squatting, lifting, and everything else!
2. Second week: hitting a rhythm
1. By week 2, we had gotten used to the routine and the mechanics of feeding, burping, diapering, swaddling, etc.  We began getting more sleep just as our bodies adjusted to the smaller amount, so we weren't quite as exhausted all the time.  
2. That said, the pee shield has worked 3/14 times for me so far, just barely above the Mendoza line.
3. This is probably the week when we really started to appreciate his awake and alert times.  When his eyes are open and focusing on you, you really appreciate that this isn't just an eating/pooping/sleeping machine but a real live human being.  Love just looking at him when he's looking back.  I guess it's ironic in that as I understand it, later in the year we'll be sick of him being awake and want him to go to sleep as much as possible.
3. Third week: what's happening??
1. As Duncan hit a few growth spurts, we had some steps forward and steps back.  Steps forward included a good amount of weight gain, longer sleep times and starting to breastfeed a little.  Some steps back included a higher incidence of tantrums and fussiness leading to 2-3 hour long feeding times, cranky baby, and cranky parents.
2. I also began working from home this week after taking the first 2 weeks off.  It's been kind of refreshing personally having a new and different challenge during my days, so I'm hoping to be able to provide some times for Shally and my mom-in-law to be able to get away from childcare and do other things.
3.  Are you learning anything about being parents?
1. The biggest lesson I've been learning is that parenting is super humbling.  As a non-parent, it's easy to look at the research and think, "Oh, these are the best things to do / things we want to do for our kid, so we should do them."  Breastfeed. No TV.  Cloth diapering (which we haven't started yet).  Some parents try potty training or sleep training right off the bat.  Conversely, it could become easy to listen to new parents with a judgmental attitude, like "Why aren't you doing xyz?  All the studies say that... or this is what I've done..."  What actually having a child has shown me is that these choices take a lot of work.  They're not easy, and sometimes, for our own sanity, we need to make tradeoffs on things that we thought were "so important" but become less so once you're facing a screaming child at 4 in the morning on 30 minutes of sleep.
2. I guess the way to sum up the previous point is a lesson I've been learning the past few months.  I read a comment from a parent and social worker who works with orphans and dysfunctional families who said that if parents love their child and do the best they can, they're awesome parents.  What they actually end up doing or accomplishing isn't nearly as important as love and effort.
3. Another area we've been growing is in showing grace towards others and their opinions.  It seems that everyone has an opinion one way or another about everything in childcare, which adds to the stress level when baby is crying and there are many voices "helpfully suggesting" a long list of things, many of which conflict with each other, and making it difficult to determine what Shally and I actually want.  We're learning to show grace in order to tamp down annoyed reactions to simply try and listen to suggestions, then either gratefully try them out or respectfully decline them, all in an effort to learn.

We're looking forward to rejoining "real life" more fully over the next few weeks.  Hopefully we'll see some of you then!

Sometimes you don't know what you want until you lose it

There's an episode of "Friends" in the second half of the series, at Monica and Chandler's wedding, where Rachel thinks she's pregnant but can't bear to find out one way or another because she's not sure if it's something she wants. Phoebe picks up the pregnancy test, and tells her that it's negative. As Rachel comes to grips with it, she realizes that she's grieving something she never had in the first place - until Phoebe tells her that she lied and it's positive. "Now you know how you really feel about it!"

Last summer, Shally tested positive for a child for the first time. At the time, it was more of a pleasant surprise - we had talked about having children, but considering the stories we'd heard from other couples that had taken years to conceive, we didn't think that we'd be able to conceive so soon. While we were excited, I'd confess that on my part at least, there was a little bit of rote-ness in the whole process. In a sense, I felt like it was time for me to become a father, but I didn't necessarily want to become a father - instead, it was just the right time for the next step.

Three weeks after the positive test, we lost the baby to a miscarriage.

It was surprising how much we were crushed emotionally by this.  Even though Beebee - our codename for the child - was only a brief presence in our lives for such a short period of time, it did feel like a death in the family as we grieved.  To be sure, our season of grief and healing was correspondingly shorter than if it was a loved one we had known for a much longer time, but it was no less intense.  We're thankful for the support of the family and friends who prayed for and supported us in that season.

Now that we are entering the third trimester of our current pregnancy (codename: Junior), I realized that if Beebee had managed to stick, we would be hitting our due date around this time.  A few reflections...

1) Most significantly, losing the first pregnancy hammered home the fact that I really do want to become a father.  There's no more feeling of "it's about the right time" - I'm simultaneously thrilled and terrified.

2) There have been few instances where I've felt more helpless and not in control than when the miscarriage was progressing over a day.  We wrestled with anxiety and denial while trying to pray and hope for a miracle that didn't happen.  There was absolutely nothing that we could do.  It has been a continuing test of faith to learn how to trust in God for things that we have no control over.  Interestingly, it has also afforded the opportunity to identify with and encourage some friends in their own situations of helplessness.

3) We are much more appreciative and fully aware of how fortunate we are that it was not difficult for us to conceive again.  We both have several friends and family who had/have tried for years to have children and have been continually frustrated.  Our heart and prayers go out to them.

4) Finally, we understand a little bit more about how a miscarriage can affect prospective parents.  A few years ago, we heard from some friends that they were experiencing one, and it was difficult to empathize at the time.  It is so helpful to have the support of a community in grief and healing, and one reason I wanted to write this in a public space is in the hope that anyone who has to go through the unfortunate experience of a miscarriage - either their own or a loved one's - would know that we can try to help.

There's a daily joy and anticipation that we experience looking forward to Junior's arrival, and for the most part we don't think too often about Beebee anymore.  But she (we arbitrarily decided that she was a she) is part of our lives now, and we do want to remember and mourn her regularly.

A few thoughts on marriage

Today, my lovely wife and fellow parent-to-be celebrates her birthday. As we enjoyed food and dessert with a few of her friends, as well as looking forward to going out ourselves tomorrow, I'm reminded that marriage is this neat and mysterious thing.

I remember the long conversations late at night during college and after graduation, musing about our future spouses and the age-old question, "How do you know he/she's the one?" And while you might chalk it up to a checklist of qualities, a vision of flowers and sunshine, hormones, a voice from God, or some indefinable feeling, ultimately, we don't really know for sure. We just know what we know about each other, make a commitment based on that, then spend the rest of our lives working on making that commitment more and more sure day by day. Kind of like faith.

I know from friends' experiences and books that our marriage will be tested, perhaps severely, as we transition into this next stage of our lives, but I'm still glad that we get to do this together.

Happy birthday, honey.

7 Billion People in 2011

Sometime in 2011, the world's population will surpass 7 billion... and Baby Lin just might be the one to push it over that mark!

Interesting video from National Geographic depicting what 7 billion looks like, and the impact on resources, etc:



Direct link (for Facebook)

I hope our child will be able to bless and impact others more than he/she consumes.  Speaking of which, hopefully we'll learn the gender this week.

Reactions to "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior"

Since we're hoping to enter the realm of parenthood later this year, I've been following the various links and comments across Facebook on Why Chinese Mothers are Superior. As an Asian, an American, and also a Christian, there's an interesting confluence and clash of values, goals, and styles showing up. Some of my own brief reactions and thoughts on the article, and the numerous followup articles springing up all over the web...

• First, thanks to Andrew N and Andrew W for posting this comment thread that includes an email reply from the author, Amy Chua, to an upset reader, pointing out that she did not choose the title of the WSJ article excerpt, and that the excerpt is not necessarily indicative of the content of the book it is promoting.  So, no need to demonize the author as this is all a (very successful!) marketing stunt.  Still, a good topic to consider.
• Things that most everyone seem to agree on as good goals and principles for successful parenting of one's children:
• Development of a strong work ethic, delayed gratification, and other good habits (quote: "Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America.").
• Equip them to be able to be independent and self-supporting as adults.
• Discipline and tough love are often needed to teach/direct children to what is best for them and their future because they can't see it themselves.
• However, the various articles linked above are filled with testimonies of the damage that can be inflicted by the extreme aspects (in particular, insults, belittling, unreasonably high standards, and lack of praise/satisfaction) of the "Chinese" parenting style mentioned in the article:
• Chinese women have one of the highest rates of suicide and depression.
• Products of this childhood often include high achievers and materially successful adults who hate their parents.
• Personally, while I grew up with parents who helped set high goals for my brother and I, they generally did not resort to insults and belittling as motivators.  Because of this, I never doubted my parents' love and trusted that they knew what was best for me.  I would try to work hard to delight them because I wanted to.  I hope to model that for my kids too.  Some of the things they did that I can remember:
• Spending a lot of time patiently, firmly, but kindly teaching and working with me on things until I "got it".
• Praising effort as well as success - something that I think may be relatively unusual about my family.
• I'd like to believe that the "strengths-based" literature that has been gaining popularity in the business world over the last two decades or so can be applied to parenting as well.  After the development of good habits and character (honesty, integrity), it seems to make sense that since each person has innate natural gifts and talents, after getting to a "competent" level in other areas, it is more worthwhile to hone and develop these natural gifts and talents rather than spending an inordinate amount of time becoming "Excellent" in everything.  As several people have pointed out, academic excellence can lead to good doctors, lawyers, and engineers, but doesn't develop leaders and innovators.
• This means that at some point in the kid's development, in addition to character and work ethic development, we need some way of identifying gifts and talents to develop... which seems like the freedom, and perhaps the motivation, to experiment is needed.
• Brian L pointed out, and I agree, that another aspect of parenting I'd aspire to based on my own experience is helping my kid to avoid regrets later in life, because as adults with more experience, we can see and give personal testimony to things we wish we'd have done differently.  Two personal examples:
• I didn't necessarily enjoy piano growing up, but it did give me a solid background and foundation in music that has helped nurture a great love and appreciation for many different types of music and instruments today. In the long view, I'm grateful that my parents introduced me to it.
• I wish I'd have made more of an effort to learn Mandarin when I had more opportunity and more ability to do so, and I'll probably make that known to my kids.  Incidentally, it seems that while learning a language similar to English (like Spanish or French) is do-able in high school, learning an entirely different language like Mandarin is best undertaken either when very young when the brain is still developing, or intensively in college when there is greater desire.
• Finally, as a Christian, it is sobering to consider that my relationship with my kids will likely be the biggest influence on their view of their relationship with God.  Judging by the comments and testimonies I've seen from Asian American Christian friends on this topic, many of us are still saddled with baggage from our pasts with overbearing parents and with Asian churches who seem to espouse similar values of conditional love based on obedience and success.  
• How can we avoid this?  I agree with Byron that one thing to be conscious of is that insults, berating, belittling, shame, etc. as motivation might be effective motivators, but at the cost of relationship.  That being said, given human nature, I think it's almost unavoidable that at one point or another, the patience of a parent will give way to these things.  In that case, it's equally as important to be able to apologize to our children and ask forgiveness, and not just assume that the ends justify the means.
• All in all, I hope and aspire that the unconditional love, acceptance, and approval that is available to me through Christ can be the foundation for all my relationships, especially with my children - and that the unconditional love they receive from their heavenly and earthly fathers can be the foundation for their lives as well.

Time capsule

Had a little bit of a dive into my recent history today as I cleaned out some drawers in my desk.  Since I had left this at my folks' place when I moved out in 2005, all the items in it were from late college (1998-ish) to 2005.  The things I found reminded me a bit of what life was like in college, missions, and in my early twenties out of college, and the friends that I saw more often back then.  Things I found included:

Wedding programs from:
- Jason/Iris
- Andy/Pam
- Torence/Nicole

Missions support letters from:
- Danny Y
- Jason/Iris
- Wilma
- Dan/Tina
- Jason K
- Andy H
- Hideyo
- Ivana

Various thank you and birthday cards from:
- my old worship team
- James/Luwen's baby shower
- aforementioned weddings
- my missions team NYC 2000

A church bulletin from 2005.  I noticed that only 7 out of the 22 names listed on the bulletin in any capacity were still at the church, which made me somewhat sad.

A playbill for "Rent"

Letter I wrote to myself on 12/31/2000, intended to be opened up a year later.  At the time I had just finished my "0.5" out of my 4.5 years at Cal and was getting ready to move into the working world.

Fantasy basketball cheat sheet, with the top five: Shaq, Duncan, TMac, Kobe, Webber

Various Bible studies that I thought were good enough to keep but not smart enough to organize in a usable way.

Stack of business cards from my first job, as well as various paychecks/commendations etc.

3 packs 7-8 years old gum

1997 Cal AACF Brother's Appreciation invitation.  People put a lot of effort into those and it's still pretty cool to remember.

Spain 2005 paraphernalia (guidebook, ticket stubs, maps, etc.)

My 2003 layoff notice from my previous company and my hiring forms into a startup

Fun to look back every so often.

Gender-specific decision making

Two years ago (wow, it's been that long already?) when we were just beginning wedding planning, something S and I discovered that she would more likely want to research lots and lots of options (photographer, florist, and so on) - not because she enjoyed it, and certainly not because I enjoyed it, but because she was afraid of not doing enough homework and missing out on some really great vendor/service/bargain.  As this was causing both of us some undue stress due to the amount of work going into just one item on a long to-do list, I came up with the (wise, I think) compromise of primarily researching only the vendors that our friends recommended.

This was one instance of many in our relationship where I found that just from the way she's wired, on relatively minor decisions, I sometimes need to step in and make decisions up front in order to narrow the scope of a particular choice or speed up the action.  A lot of times, my decision ends up being pretty arbitrary as the choices on the table are all pretty good, and S is just needing some direction to move forward.  "Should I wear blue or green?"  "They both look good, so, uh, green."

At dinner tonight with a few other couples, we found that this relationship quirk wasn't unique to us - in a few other couples it was also necessary for most minor decisions with good options to be made quickly by the guy.

Is this characteristic for anyone else?  If so, why do you think this is?

Baby media

With an ever-increasing number of my peers entering into the realm of parenthood, I've been around babies and toddlers more and more.  With that exposure comes a corresponding rise in the amount of "baby media" I run into - songs, TV shows, movies, books, etc.

I can see the value in these.  Exposing kids to music, words, and images can help them learn, develop, and so on.  If and when S and I are able to start a family, though, I will have to confront a difficult truth - my brain has a hard time dealing with a lot of baby media.

Apparently babies will often request the same kiddie song to be played over and over again, especially to be well-behaved in the car.  I may need to invest in earplugs in the car, or just have earphones plugged into my iPod rather than listening to VeggieTales on repeat.

I may go crazy having the same kiddie TV shows showing over and over again, unless I'm able to distract myself somehow by playing something else on the screen in my brain, or maybe I'll try to be productive and memorize Bible verses or something.

I know, I know - if we have a kid, the baby will probably get what he wants.  But I'll try my darndest to get him at an early age to listen to U2, hymns, and Mozart; learn the nuances of the NBA, and think longingly to the days ahead when I can finally read out loud The Chronicles of Narnia, The Hobbit, and The Lord of the Rings.

Another year older and deeper in bad habits

I used to write on this blog relatively prolifically in the first half of this decade.  I realized recently that my decline in writing corresponded with the era where it became supremely easy to waste 10-15 minutes at a time on the internet - through youtube, through digg, through countless sites providing top 10 lists and interesting (but ultimately irrelevant) content.

Being an input junkie and a fast reader, I loaded up my RSS feeds and began consuming tidbits of information in bite-size chunks at all hours of the day, leaving little time for contemplation and the personal wrestling on life that inherently need large chunks of time.

I kinda miss the me that would write, back in the day.

So, as I begin my next year of life, I'm going to be a bit ambitious and aim to write a post each weekday for the rest of the month of June, to see if I can get back into a habit.  I'm trying to give myself the freedom to not be particularly polished, especially starting out.  I'll try to write about life, faith, interesting things, questions, and a list of other stuff I've archived but haven't really processed.

Hope you'll join me, but I won't be offended if you choose to block me from your feeds.  It might do you some good to reduce the amount of input in your life too.

Abundance and Generosity

Every year in the midst of the holiday season, there's some store (CostPlus World Mart?) that sells a gigantic tub of delectable white cheddar cheese balls known as "Snowballs."  There's more than enough for almost anyone to get sick of.

One year while living at the Kittoe House, we got one, and ended up grazing on it for several weeks on an almost nightly basis.  We offered it to every visitor that came by, until we were so sick of it that we felt some relief when we finished it.  A few months ago at a friends' party, there was another tub.  It was like Jesus and the disciples passing out food at the 5K feeding - it seemed bottomless.

I remember thinking that we were trying to be so generous when offering it to guests - "Here, take some!  These are awesome!" - and it was easy and fun to be generous.  Why?  Because there seemed to be an overabundance of these little balls, which probably didn't actually cost very much to make, and the tub didn't cost that much either. A few dollars and bottomless generosity can be yours!

Why is it so hard for me to have that kind of generosity in other aspects of life?  Why can't I take joyful delight in sharing?

Why am I tightfisted with money, with my time for others, with God's love, with the amount of personal interest or social capital I could invest in people's lives?

"Here, take some / try this / come with me!  This will be awesome!"

Instead,  I avoid people's eyes, try not to volunteer, and grumble under my breath all too often when I end up doing something I don't want to do.

I suspect the reason is that by default, I live with a scarcity, zero sum mentality.  Money that I give away is not shared, it's gone and added to someone else.  Time is harder to come by as I get older.  It's tiring to joyfully take interest in a new person and try to develop them into a new friend.

I'd like to be joyfully generous.

To get there, I think I have some things to learn about living in the tension between my limited human frailties and weaknesses that need to be protected and accounted for with boundaries, and the limitless, overabundant love, mercies, and grace of Jesus that are renewed every morning - but only if I remember.

2009 Retrospective: Top Books

I was surprised to look at my book log and see that I read 35 books in 2009. Being married to a librarian definitely has its perks, as I can put things on hold and she can pick them up for me at work. In no particular order...

Non-fiction

"Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell. My favorite of his major releases, as the studies and insights into what goes into success was actually quite interesting, insightful and also somewhat applicable. For example, his theories about the Asian immigrant work ethic (in short - rice paddies can be worked year-round while traditional crop fields need to be left alone to regain nutrients) kicked off other thoughts about whether this would impact Asian spirituality, and Christianity in particular.

"The Emotionally Healthy Church" by Peter Scazzero. With the drama that our English service went through in 2009, with our longtime English pastor resigning and several members leaving for other churches, my spirit was suffering a little bit. It was very timely to be able to read this book from the lead pastor at New Life Fellowship in Queens to be able to understand how to integrate Christian spirituality with the day-to-day and moment-to-moment human emotions and issues I deal with in work, church, family, and at home.

Fiction

Lots of sci-fi and fantasy this year...

"A Song of Ice and Fire" series by George R.R. Martin. I heard about this epic fantasy series from a column by Doc Jensen at the Entertainment Weekly website about "Lost." It took a while to get into, but now I'm hooked into the characters, grim storylines, action, politics/manipulations, and everything else. Even though each book is 1000+ pages, they're hard to put down because the characters are so well fleshed out. Although I think the reputation of Martin as "the American Tolkien" isn't quite accurate, this series was still my favorite find of the year. Waiting for the 4th book to come from the library now.

"Ender's Shadow" by Orson Scott Card. I also re-read Ender's Game this year, and then the companion book about Ender's subordinate but intellectual equal, Bean. I couldn't quite get into the post-Battle School books like "Speaker for the Dead," however.

"Old Man's War" series by John Scalzi. Very neat sci-fi universe where human consciousness can be transferred into a genetically engineered body created with your own DNA, so human armies are composed of old people about to die who enlist and then are given a new lease on life in prime physical health.

"Watchmen" by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. Better than the movie, although I wasn't fond of the whole pirate sub-story.

"Allegiance," "Outbound Flight," and "Survivor's Quest" by Timothy Zahn. I read through the most recent three books written by my favorite Star Wars author, and while they weren't as memorable as some earlier work, he never disappoints.

Re-read:

"The Lord of the Rings" by J.R.R. Tolkien. How could I not re-read the classics after visiting Middle-Earth?

"Starship Troopers" by Robert Heinlein. Since it's been so long since I read this, my most recent memory of the story came from the so-bad-it's-awesome movie. Re-reading the book reminded me that it is nothing like the movie.

Death and resurrection

I'm not somebody that likes big changes.

I've been in the Bay Area for two-thirds of my life. I have yet to voluntarily change jobs (got laid off once). I only had one girlfriend, who is now my wife. Even traveling tends to stress me out at the beginning due to the preparation required and the tying up of loose ends needed.

Lately, God has been impressing upon me this principle: Something has to die before it can be resurrected.

Put another way by a friend: God doesn't pour new wine into old wineskins (Matthew 9:17).

Meditating on these verses lately:

John 12:24 - I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.

Luke 13:6-9 - Then he told this parable: "A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, 'For three years now I've been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven't found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?'

" 'Sir,' the man replied, 'leave it alone for one more year, and I'll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.' "

Tomorrow, Shally and I will be on our way to the land down under, the largest natural structure that can be seen from space, and Middle-Earth (aka Sydney, the Great Barrier Reef, and the South Island of New Zealand) for three weeks - by my memory, the second longest time I'll have been away from home.

We'll be spending one of the weeks surrounded by scenery like this:



I'm hoping for a good time of rest, reflection, and renewal. When we get back, there are likely more changes in store in our lives, more dying that needs to be done, perhaps some working of the soil, before life can come again.

Will write again upon our return.

Stability in the storm

In the midst of turbulent times in the third and fourth general priorities in my life (work and church), I'm glad for stability that I can hold onto in trusting in God (#1) and my marriage and family.

Mortifying recent experience: I have often joked about the possibility of my running over the multitudes of toddlers that are just beginning to discover the worlds right in front of my feet. Well, on Sunday at church, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy as I ran smack into a little boy who maybe came up to my knees. Fortunately, I don't think he was able to recognize me (and thus mark me as a target for future vengeance) through the cloud of tears. His mom was very gracious.

Funny recent experience: in practicing worship songs for an upcoming wedding, Mike P commented that in the Hillsongs ballad "None But Jesus", a quiet song about whole-hearted devotion (Lyrics: There is no one else for me / None but Jesus / Crucified to set me free), it was easy to confuse the "for" and "but", leading to:

There is no one else but me
None for Jesus

That has the potential of being as hilariously memorable as the faux pax from a few years ago - "I'm forsaken, because You were forsaken."

There's no such thing as a dumb question...

... is there?

I've heard that adage countless times in my life from well-meaning teachers who have drilled into us that we should always ask, as someone else in the class might have the same question. However, my experience today makes me think there are some caveats - namely, questions should stay on-subject with the material, not deviating into tangents that are only applicable to one student, and that there should probably be a base understanding of a subject before taking a class with other people who have the base understanding.

I spent most of my Saturday in a free first-time home-buyer's workshop put on by the Neighborhood Housing Services of Silicon Valley that Shally signed me up for at the library. It was pretty informative, with talks given by a realtor, lender, and insurance agent, and good questions were asked by the 50+ people in attendance, many of whom were attending to get an education certificate in order to get a loan.

However, there was one lady in the front row who seemed oblivious to the fact that the rest of the class - who, despite the good material, was keenly aware that it was Saturday and wanted the workshop to be as efficient as possible - was not interested in her very specific-to-her-own-life, TMI questions. Lady, we are not interested in hearing about how you separated from your husband, and how your elderly mom who lives with you might possibly get a job and how would this affect your loan prospects. There's a reason for one-on-one consultations.

Also, I heard and saw numerous frustrated sighs and eye rolls when she asked, "What's the difference between a condo and a townhome?"

The instructors were quite indulgent in answering all of her questions, even the inane ones, which made it even a bit more frustrating.

I guess the moral is: there may be no such thing as a dumb question (granted, it takes guts and a certain lack of self-consciousness to be willing to ask in a public forum), but it's almost always better to strive to ask good questions that will benefit the understanding of the material for the whole group. Also, it's incumbent on the instructor to filter out the good questions from the too-specific ones, and address them during the break.

The Long Saturday

Simon. Thomas. James. Andrew. Philip. Matthew. Bartholomew. Simon the Zealot. John. James son of Alphaeus. Thaddaeus.

Not yet household names, almost 2000 years ago, these men had just seen their lives go up in smoke. Their mentor, and for some, best friend, had been brutally and publicly tortured and killed the previous evening. With him had gone the dreams of freeing their people from Roman oppression, even as much as he had tried to dissuade them from those ideas.

No jobs to return to - they had quit them three years before. Wives, families, communities had all been deserted to follow a slightly kooky homeless man all around the countryside. If they returned, they would undoubtedly be the laughingstock of their towns at best, and at worst, arrested for sedition.

In the midst of an entire day and two of the longest nights of their lives, through a haze of dull despair and shattered hopes, they had to ask... what now?

It is always the darkest before the dawn.

"Peace"

One of the reasons why these Olympics in particular are so fascinating is because of the diplomatic tensions that exist when two nation-states meet in sports competition (often used as an analogy for war) while their respective governments and armies may in fact be engaged in actual war. How can athletes from the former Soviet republic of Georgia compete against opponents from Russia while knowing of the invasion? What is going on in the minds of Israelis, Palestinians, Iraqis, Iranians, and Americans when they stare each other down across a swimming pool, ball field, or track? Will any big names come out in the press against the nations that are not doing anything about the genocide in Darfur?

A quote from the above article:

The Beijing Olympics have morphed into the anxiety games. Beneath the veneer of architectural miracles and omnipresent smiles and the "one world, one dream" slogan, there is unease, exacerbated by a secretive Communist regime that rations information. No info, no closure. There are 100,000 Chinese security troops patrolling Beijing, all standing as still as scarecrows, many with the young, porcelain faces of toy soldiers. They are stationed on every street corner, ubiquitous under newly planted trees that line the sidewalks. They are numerically impressive but not especially comforting.

I think this further illustrates the difference between what the world defines as peace, and what the God of the Bible defines as peace.

The former declares that peace exists as long as no shots are being fired. The absence of conflict. We smile awkwardly at each other, dampening down anxiety repeatedly while little glimpses of the resentment and uneasiness simmering underneath will peek through during times of stress. This happens in sports, it happens in workplaces, in marriages, in churches.

God desires peace to be so much more than the absence of conflict, but rather the presence of justice, wholeness, and acceptance. "Blessed are the peacemakers" - peace is something that needs to be worked at, not just achieved by having no conflict.

As a person who is non-confrontational by nature, it's often easy for me to settle for the first kind of peace - as long as there's no conflict, between Shally and myself, in church, in leadership, at work, at home, then things are "cool." However, I've been learning that it's not enough to just avoid confrontation - I need to actively work for wholeness, with heavy doses of grace, in order to bring all of my relationships into the kind of peace God has his heart set on for his people.

On asking for help

I've helped out at a lot of people's weddings.

Off the top of my head, I've been a best man, groomsman, special music, worship leader, sound tech, audio/visual setup, head usher, regular usher, candlelighter, gift mover, stagehand, getaway car driver, and slideshow narrator. Granted, I've never had to coordinate anything (that seems to be a female dominated role), but I basically know my way around the ins and outs.

My parents joke that for my wedding, I have a lot of favors to call in... but now that we're in the midst of trying to think of helpers, there's that familiar feeling of "bu yao ma fan" that comes up. During planning I joked that I could turn around on stage, pick up a guitar and lead worship... and I think I was only half joking.

I think I like to help out people I care about. I'm still learning how to ask for help from those same people.