The Simpsons

Over the last 15 years or so, the comedic material that has most shaped my sense of humor includes Friends, Seinfeld, and Calvin & Hobbes. Perhaps the most consistent source of laughs and quotes, however, has been The Simpsons. I'm still amazed that the show is still going, nearly 20 years after its inception - I've been watching it longer than most of today's high schoolers have been alive. Although it isn't as funny in recent seasons as it was in the first half of its lifetime, the recently released movie has a pretty good mix of the highbrow and lowbrow humor that characterized the early seasons. Even though the movie played like an extended episode, there are still plenty of quotes that I'll be adding to my lexicon. For example (mouse over to read):

Homer Simpson: [after being trapped in the dome] D'OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHME!

Montgomery Burns: Smithers... I've never believed in suicide, but... it might cheer me up to watch you do it.

EPA Official: You've gone mad with power!
Russ Cargill: Of course I've gone mad with power! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It's boring and no one listens to you!

Homer Simpson: [singing Tune to Spider-Man Theme Song] Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig. / Does whatever a Spider-Pig does. / Can he swing / from a web? / No he *can't*, / cause he's a pig. / Look out! / He is the Spider-Pig!

President Schwarzenegger: I was elected to *lead*, not to *read*.

Bart Simpson: [crying of embarrassment, seen naked] This is the worst day of my life!
Homer Simpson: The worst day of your life *so far*.

Lisa Simpson: But I'm so angry.
Marge Simpson: You're a woman. Just hold on to it forever.

And, just for kicks, some of my favorite quotes from the series itself (culled from this list and this comprehensive site:

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Ralph: Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible.

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. (used in my sermon)

Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

Burns: I suggest you leave immediately
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

Ralph: My cat's breath smells like cat food.

Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Billy Corgan: "Billy Corgan, 'Smashing Pumpkins'."
Homer Simpson: "Homer Simpson, smiling politely."

Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.

Trent: [walking up] The man knows what he likes.
Homer: Just taking care of business.
Trent: If you don't, who will, huh? Trent Steele.
Homer: Homer Si ... uh, Max Power.
Trent: Oh, hey! Great name!
Homer: Yeah, isn't it? I got it off a hair dryer.
Trent: [laughs] I like a man who can poke fun at himself. [looks at his watch] Ooh, hey, my one o'clock cancelled. Eh, you had any lunch?
Homer: Yeah, but I usually have three or four.
Trent: So where to eat? You like Thai?
Homer: Tie good. You like shirt?

Mr. Burns: I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power ... like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

Homer: Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Homer: You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Homer: All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

Homer: I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T...

Bart: Go orange!
Nelson: Go grapefruit!
Ralph: Go Banana!

Audience: Boo! Boo!
Burns: Smithers...are they booing me?
Smithers: Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!"
Burns: Are you saying "boo" or "Boo-urns"?
Audience: Boo! Boo!
Hans: I was saying "Boo-urns"...

Homer at the post office trying to steal Burns’ mail whilst wearing a moustache (and possibly a monocle i don’t recall)
Homer: Hello there, my name is Mr. Burns, i believe you have a letter for me?
Post Office Guy: Okay Mr. Burns, what is your first name?
Homer: I... don’t know

Rod Flanders: Lies make Baby Jesus cry.

Homer: “Mmmmm….Pistol Whip.”

Flanders: Feels like I'm wearing... nothing at all! Nothing at all! NOTHING AT ALL!
Homer: Argh, stupid sexy Flanders!

Ralph: So the doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds if I could just keep my finger out of there.

Willie: Bonjourrrrr, yah cheese-eatin’ surrender monkeys!

Homer: Save me, Jeebus!

Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer?

Sideshow Bob: You want the truth! You can't handle the truth! No truth handler you! Bah! I deride your truth handling abilities!