On turning 30

A recurring nightmare that I have is dreaming that I'm back in college. It's near the end of the year, finals are coming up, and I just realized that I've been enrolled in a hard class for the entire semester without knowing it or attending any class. The entire dream is spent in a gradually increasing state of anxiety, panic, and spiralling despair as I frantically try to find the appropriate textbook and read up on as much as possible before the final the next day, while knowing full well the futility of trying to do so.

I sometimes feel this way as I think about hitting 30 years of age.

One of my character flaws / natural bents is to compare myself to others, in particular my peers. This usually isn't for the purpose of building up my ego by seeing if I'm better than my others, but rather to see how I'm falling behind in some area that I should be current or mature in at my stage of life, compared to those around me.

I see more and more friends younger than me on Facebook or LinkedIn with "Senior," or "Lead," and in some cases even "Vice" or "Chief" or "Co-Founder" in front of their job titles and wonder if I'm falling behind where I should be in my career. Am I ambitious enough? Is there career growth available for me at my current job? When I was younger in my career, I could safely rely on the mentality of "Doing whatever is needed because I'm still junior and just trying to establish myself," but as I mature professionally it becomes more and more clear that it is necessary to become a subject matter expert.

I see the long list of "life maintenance" responsibilities I need to learn or just do - for example, taking greater control of my personal finances, basic investments, working out more regularly (to offset the sore back and knees I often have after basketball on Sundays, and to just have better overall health) - and I wonder why I haven't developed good knowledge or habits in these areas yet when it seems like others have.

I wonder whether I'm obedient to the purpose God made me for. Doing a word search on "thirty years" on Biblegateway shows that a couple of significant people in the Bible stepped up to the most important work of their lives starting at age 30:

Joseph had already gone through the betrayal from his brothers, been imprisoned unjustly for a crime he didn't commit (making a pass at someone else's wife), and at age 30 became the right-hand man of Pharaoh where he would be the instrument of Israel's deliverance in the upcoming famine.

David had already cultivated a soft heart for God while minding the sheep and fighting off lions and bears, become a master musician/poet and warrior, and eventually became king over Israel at age 30, reigning for 40 years and setting the standard that every successive king couldn't match.

Jesus began his ministry at age 30 and lived perhaps the most significant 3 years of any human lifespan.

It's really easy to look back at the last decade and think about all the regrets, opportunities not taken, potential not realized. Why didn't I study harder in college? Should I have gone to grad school? Should I have travelled more? Did I effectively invest in people? Why did I lose touch with so many family and friends? Did I waste some of the prime years of my physical health and mental agility?

It's also really easy to look at where I am now and allow fear to be a really significant thing in my life. Taking a warning from the story of King Saul, another Biblical 30-year old who was woefully underprepared/unqualified for the business of leading a nation when he first took the throne, I have a perception in my head of how far behind the curve I am. It's then very easy for my heart to make the connection that God will only meet me once I shape up and catch up to where I should be - until then, I don't really deserve having him around in my life.

It's so easy to believe this lie.

Dr. Andy had a good quote today: "Comparison is the tool of the devil."

It takes a conscious act on my part to break through the lies wired between my heart and head - to not give in to fear, self-pity, regret, anxiety, and everything else associated with feeling "left behind by life" because these are things Jesus seeks to free me from.

I see the significant experiences and lessons from the last 10 years - graduating from college, job experience from the smallest startup to one of the largest, developing new and significant friendships through church and work, moving away from home, learning leadership principles in different contexts, understanding more about God and how to be obedient in my life to him, being in a relationship that has served as an agent of personal growth as well as a lot of fun - and I am grateful.

I look at the snapshot of my life now - good health, uncomplicated financial situation, opportunities, a personal and intimate God who loves me and even likes me, a girlfriend and friends and family who seem to enjoy having me around, even though I can be a dork sometimes - and I am grateful for that as well.

In closing... I know that the part of me that I don't like very much is going to continue periodically browbeating my spirit into thinking less of myself. I can only cling to the promise that the more I seek God's help in breaking the power of my self-criticism, through confession, reflection, and thanksgiving, that this voice will get quieter and quieter. Turning 30 is a significant milestone. As Danny put it, it's entering the "Jesus Years (30-33)." I probably won't have a 30th year like Jesus, or David's, or Joseph's, but let's see what God will do with my 4th decade on earth.