Turn the other cheek

DISCLAIMER: I usually try to avoid ranting on this webpage, but I feel like there are some key lessons I need to learn from these recent experiences I'm going to describe. So, I'm making the descriptions as general as possible, and try not to focus on the details but rather what they may be illuminating - I'm still having trouble figuring it out and wouldn't mind any feedback.

It's been a tough evening for my sense of pride. Every time I think I might be getting a handle on this humility thing, God usually finds a way to turn the knife inwards and make me see that there's still a lot of blackness inside that needs some gutting and cleaning. Two situations have contributed to my somewhat-flustered state of mind...

At work, the entire team is currently under a stressful deadline, and while there's still some time, a lot of people are a little bit on edge, and every mistake is magnified because of the potential impact to the schedule. So, when our latest testing (around 6 pm, near the end of the workday) revealed that some files were missing, everyone jumped. As the release manager, packaging everyone's work together is my responsibility, and so I was working with the guy whose team was responsible for the missing files. We determined that the files appeared to be where they should be for me to be able to compile everything together, and so the responsibility was thrown back on me.

Now, I've worked with the guy for years, and he's a great engineer and a totally nice person. But under this situation, with the added stress and the need to stand up for his team, I couldn't help but feel a bit defensive amidst a lot of tension - we still hadn't figured out what the problem was. I intentionally tried to defuse some of the tension with wry smiles and self-deprecating remarks about Murphy's Law, but I was still a little bit fired up - fight or flight mode, I guess.

Late tonight, I logged in again, did some more debugging, and figured out that the problem was indeed from his team (for the Linux geeks, it was a file permissions problem). As I wrote up the email detailing the parameters of the problem, it was very tempting to gloat, just a little bit, because I felt like I had been called out earlier on something that wasn't my problem. As my fingers hovered over the [Send] button though, I thought a little bit more about just how stupid a reaction that would be. It's not me against another person here - heck, I like those guys! - it's a team effort trying to accomplish a team goal under difficult circumstances. Tempers - perhaps just my own - may have flared a little bit, but if I'm going to be taking on more of a leadership role in our group, I need to keep a level head, respect my teammates at all times, and try to set an example of subordinating my own ego for the larger goal. So instead of gloating (and while physically biting my tongue), I described the problem, and closed by saying that I should have caught the problem with better error checking and let them know earlier.

Second situation...

Matthew 5:38-42:
"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you."

This revolutionary teaching by Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount seems to have at its core the principle of nonviolence in being able to influence others, even your enemies. Both Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. cited this truth as the cornerstone for their own world-changing life philosophies. The thing is, it takes quite the man to actually put this into practice. I figure that given the choice, most people would rather not be taken advantage of, but it can be a stunning example of Christlikeness. However, does anything change when it's a fellow believer who seems to be doing the advantage-taking?

I'm already a person who has difficulty with saying "no" and setting boundaries. It's a weakness I know I have, and that I need to work on - I can't volunteer for everything. However, being able to help people is something I happen to enjoy, and God's blessed me with a good amount of helpful skills and knowledge. Thing is, it's reached the point where if someone asks me for my knowledge and/or time to help, and I don't have a schedule conflict, I feel guilty about turning down the request - even if I don't want to do it. Today, this extended to people that are barely acquaintances who are requesting a favor, in my off-time (on the weekend), without much in the way of compensation, for a relatively thankless job.

"Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." The hard part of the latter statement is that you still need to treat them the way you'd like to be treated, even if they're not doing the same. It'd be easier to subordinate the feeling of being taken for granted if it was a friend - friends are (relatively) easy to sacrifice for. It's much easier to just let resentment simmer against people that I don't care for as much.

As with all things, God takes the blade of my tongue and turns it inwards. How many times have I taken friends, coworkers, teammates for granted, assuming that they were working for the same goal as I was, when in fact I was selfishly using people to my own ends? How many times have I glossed over showing my loved ones any appreciation for acts of kindness and words of advice? When I let resentment simmer against someone rather than setting boundaries up front, am I really loving that person and desiring the best for him?

If there's anyone reading this who has felt taken for granted because of my words, actions, or attitudes... I apologize. And please let me know (preferably by email, heh) what that situation was so I can apologize more specifically and be more mindful of it in the future.

I still need to learn how to say "no". Is "I don't want to" a valid reason to do so? Why is it that every time that's the real reason, I feel like I have to come up with a better one?

Tough evening. But, I'm hoping that I'll be able to learn something from it.

On an entirely different topic

Now that I've brain dumped for so long... here's an official validation that Han shot first! I've held off on buying the trilogy (of which I've probably seen each movie 20-30 times) on DVD for several years, but now that I can get the original version... I'm thinking that's a purchase.