Bittersweet

What is it about human nature that responds so much more strongly to the bitterness of life than the sweet? For example, I expect that were I to end this post here, you, dear reader, would be left wondering what the "bitter" is that I'm referring to, rather than the "sweet".

Is it because we are more prone to experience compassion or despair, depending on the bitter, than we are to experience a shared joy in the sweet, particularly for those we care about? Or is this just me?

I took today off from work for a few reasons - the last few weeks have been particularly tough work-wise and I simply needed a break, and also to spend some long-overdue extended time in worship, reflection, and conversation with Jesus about the first half of 2007.

Looking back, there has been a fair amount of bitterness and grieving. Many regrets. Guilt. What ifs. Beating myself up for slights both imagined and real. Hurt feelings. Exhausted patience. Weariness. Sleeplessness. Heartache and joint ache.

At the same time, there has also been sweetness. Lives changing both slowly and quickly. Vulnerability and developing closeness. Teamwork. Developing awareness and understanding of myself and others. Healing. Appreciation. Awe.

Maybe this is my long-winded answer to the ubiquitous question of "How are you doing?" I've always tried to avoid the standard "Fine" because I've felt it to be somewhat dishonest when I am a living dichotomy of heaven and hell, light and dark, hurting and healing, bitter and sweet.

Ultimately, it's not about how I'm doing, but rather, it's about "I am".

I am here because each day God gives me the grace to wake up and live, the strength to sustain through all the dichotomies, and the hope that at any moment I may finish what He's called me to do and I will be taken to Him, where my soul will no longer struggle in the twilight between night and day.

It'd be nice to leave the bitter behind, but until that day I'm just going to try and trust that God is working through it all.

**********

On a sweet note, Shally and I have been in our relationship for 1 year as of today. Wow.